ENABLING

Enabling Includes:

1. SHOW FAITH: ʺI have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when itʹs important to you, youʹll know what to do.ʺ
2. RESPECT PRIVACY: ʺI respect your privacy and want you to know Iʹm available if you want to discuss this with me.ʺ
3. EXPRESS YOUR LIMITS: Share what you think, how you feel, and what you want without lecturing, moralizing, insisting on agreement, or demanding that anyone give you what you want. “Iʹm not willing to go to school to bail you out. When your teacher calls, Iʹll hand the phone to you or tell her sheʹll need to discuss it with you.ʺ A respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential. 
4. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING, DISCOUNTING, OR JUDGING: ʺI would like to hear what this means for you.ʺ
5. CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: ʺIʹm willing to take you to the library when we come to an agreement in advance for a convenient time, but Iʹm not willing to get involved at the last minute.ʺ ʺIf you need my help with your homework, please let me know in advance.ʺ
6. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT: “I’m available to help with homework between 7:00 and 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I won’t be available to help with last minute projects. If you’d like, I can teach you time management skills or show you how to set up a routine.” 
7. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS: “I can see you are stressed about waiting until that last minute. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’ll be available Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 to 8:00.”
8. LETTING GO OF THEIR ISSUES WITHOUT ABANDONING THEM: ʺI hope youʹll go to college, but Iʹm not sure itʹs important to you. I’m happy to talk about your thoughts or plans about college anytime you like.ʺ 
9. AGREEMENT NOT RULES: ʺCould we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with? Let’s put that on the agenda for the family meeting so we can work on an agreement.”
10. LOVE AND ENCOURAGE: ʺI love you just the way you are and respect you to choose what is right for you.ʺ
11. ASK FOR HELP: ʺI need your help. Can you explain to me why it isnʹt important to you to do your homework?ʺ
12. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the ʺI feel ______ because _______ and I wish ______ʺ process without expecting anyone else to feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for children to acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations. ʺI feel upset when you donʹt do your homework because I value education so much, and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life and I really wish you would do it.” 
13. JOINT PROBLEM‐SOLVING: ʺWhat is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on some possible solutions?ʺ
14. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: ʺIʹm feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Letʹs put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when Iʹm not so emotional.ʺ
15. INFORMATION VS. ORDERS: ʺI notice you spend a lot of time watching television and talking on the phone during the time you have set aside for homework.ʺ ʺI notice you often leave your homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done.ʺ
16. ENCOURAGE LEARNING FROM MISTAKES: “I can see that you feel bad about getting that poor grade. I have faith in you to learn from this and figure out what you need to do to get the grade you would like.”

As you look at the list of enabling responses and the list of empowering responses can you see how easy it could be to role‐play based on your own experience with all the enabling behaviors? Do you, on the other hand, feel a lack of experience and skills in the empowering responses?