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THE 4 R’S OF PUNISHMENT
- Resentment: “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
- Rebellion: “I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”
- Revenge: “They are winning now, but I’ll get even.”
- Retreat:
- Sneakiness: “I won’t get caught next time.”
- Reduced self-esteem: “I am a bad person.”
Some people think this leaves only one alternative—permissiveness, which can be just as damaging as punishment. Permissiveness invites children to develop the belief that “Love means I should be able to do whatever I want,” or “I need you to take care of me because I’m not capable of responsibility,” or even “I’m depressed because you don’t cater to my every demand.”
“So,” you may ask, “if not punishment and not permissiveness, then what?” The answer is encouragement. Positive Discipline is an encouragement model. Since a misbehaving child is also a discouraged child, Dreikurs taught that a child needs encouragement the way a plant needs water. All of the tools we share with you are encouraging to children, as well as to parents. They are designed to increase a sense of belonging and significance, and thus they focus on the belief behind the behavior. To be more specific, they meet all five of the criteria we’ve listed as essential to Positive Discipline.
